Becoming a mum has given me more joy than I could ever have imagined, but I also never imagined how much it has changed my life. I always thought, I wont let motherhood change me… but inevitably it does. Thats why I am beginning blogging again.
Before having Miss Z I felt pretty well prepared for the practical aspects of bringing a tiny new human into the world. But I was ill prepared for the adjustment to motherhood and I have to admit I lost my way for some time. My instinctive need to prioritise everything about Zara left my own needs, health and well being far behind. There were many times I was left wondering what happened to my old life and I found little happiness in the monotonous tasks of being at home with a new baby. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely loved my daughter, but I certainly didn’t love being a mum and that made me feel ashamed. I also had a sense of resentment towards my husband, I felt like my life had turned upside down while he was just coasting along like always (forget having to put up with me and my fluctuating emotions), I knew that this was a pretty irrational line of thinking, considering he is a very hands on dad and a doting husband but I still wanted to punch him in the face if he was heading off to play golf or to footy training. I have no doubt those feelings were heavily influenced by the lack of sleep and riding the hellish hormonal changes post pregnancy, nevertheless I felt them and I didn’t like it. As a means of self preservation I have had to learn to put myself first, which I found (and still do find) difficult. When we found out we were expecting baby Axel I said to my husband If I am able I want to return to playing Saturday netball and I have. Aside from the physical challenge of returning to sport after two kids (thanks TENA lady) and a hip op I am so glad to be back on the court enjoying the sport and something I did before coming a mum.
Daily life is somewhat chaotic now with two tiny humans to take care of, but this time around I feel a lot better within myself, nevertheless my headspace is still a work in progress. It’s so easy to feel weighed down with daily chores and lost in a schedule with little ‘free time’ for me. Today I started a diary, I want to commit to looking after me because thats the best thing I can do for my family.
So I begin this blog again, my little life log, my creative outlet and maybe just a little bit of free therapy!